You Are Not Your Trauma, Or Are You?
My client, Anne (fictional name), a 30-year young woman, just inspired me to write this article. Her story is so worth telling, because I know that it will be just what you might need to hear if you too are on a path to healing and liberation from Trauma you have experienced. Healing can be such an uphill battle, and it can easily seem like it’s a never-ending story. Don’t give up just yet, read about Anne first, and you might just keep going a little more.
Anne Thought She Had Control
“Everything I built so far is just a lie. It’s painful to realize that your entire being is built on the trauma you have. I am just my Trauma! I thought I had control!”
Those words might not seem very positive when reading them at first. But let me tell you, when a client of mine reaches the embodied realization of what those words mean on a visceral level, it is break-through time for real.
Meet Anne (fictional name), a 30-year young woman, and esteemed client of mine, that came to me exactly 2 years ago. By that time, she lived with her aunt and they were navigating difficult conflicts as a result of their shared family trauma. Anne grew up with an extremely abusive father and lost her mother to Cancer when she was way too young.
Anne Knows Pain From The Inside Out
Anne is a remarkable young woman. She is highly intelligent, truly cares about what’s right and wrong, wonderfully creative, exquisitely sensitive and a true survivor. She knows pain from the inside out, and she has a level of courage that is hard to find. During the past two years she committed to work on her trauma on a weekly basis and did two intensives at my house.
Slowly but steadily, she is uncovering the complex layers of her adverse childhood. And trust me, the amount of pain and suffering she had to endure is the stuff that can easily break people.
To Me, She Is A True Phoenix
When I heard her say those words a few days ago, I knew that all the efforts she put in during the past two years, are starting to pay out. Not that her healing journey is done, but she is coming to a place where she realizes that who she thought she is, the way she reacts in life, or the choices she makes are too often filtered through the lens of her childhood trauma.
Of course, we read about that in books, but to fully embody that understanding, to let it sink in, needs the deeper work most of us are afraid to tackle. It’s way more doable to talk about what happened than actually feeling what happens within as a result of that.
The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk Is A Must Read For Anyone Dealing With Trauma Click To Tweet
We Can’t Escape Our Past
She was convinced that she had escaped the vicious cycle of her traumatic past. She thought that “my trauma won’t get the better of me!”, “I am stronger than others!”, “But now I realize that despite all my efforts, I became just a cliché”. Of course, a cliché, she is not. She is wounded like so many of us.
When I listened to her words, weeping in tears, I felt this incredible openness in my heart. Because I know what comes next from my own healing journey.
The time of truly birthing your authentic self.
This is the time when you start to listen and honor very deeply who you are, if you are not your trauma.
- What do you like? What do you stand for in life? How do you want to behave, and what do you want to be known for?
- How would you respond to your partner, to a friend, if you did not give into your trauma’s default mode?
- What are the parts you want to honor in yourself more? How impeccable would you be with your time and energy?
- How solid and healthy would your boundaries be? And how healthy are the relationships you nurture?
Maybe for the first time you’ll be able to see beyond your immediate pain. And that is truly such gift. What happened for Anne to have this realization two days ago? In session # x, after almost 2 years?
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The Consequences Of A Disorganized Attachment Style
She read an article about disorganized attachment styles, unleashing another huge wave of grief that needed to be felt.
Knowing that her disorganized attachment style is one of the most difficult types of insecure attachment styles made her feel hopeless. (It is often seen in people with complex chronic and various type of childhood trauma where your most important caregivers become a source of fear, and your emotional and physical needs are hardly ever met.)
She believed that she would have to spend her entire life fixing her trauma, and she felt like she cannot handle it anymore. It just felt too painful, too hopeless. And I get it! Healing can feel like an endless battle, and oftentimes we feel like it is never ending.
Personally, I do not believe in that. I believe that if we keep doing the real feeling work consistently and patiently, there will come moments of incredible embodied realizations that over time will lead to emotional freedom, where your trauma or your feelings are no longer in control of you, sabotaging your life to a point where it feels just hopeless.
Most traumas can become fully integrated experiences.
The associated feelings & physical sensations might greet you from time to time, but when they visit, you say hi and goodbye when YOU want.
I remember when I was feeling like that in my therapy too. I still hear myself saying to my dear therapist, David, “I can’t do it anymore!”. He’d respond: “Aleah, feel it ONE MORE TIME!”
And right he was. I did feel it one more time. He saved my life.
There Is A Healthy Form Of Dependency
I also remember the moment I said to my therapist: “I don’t need you anymore!” It was the best moment of my life. For a good 2.5 years I did feel quite dependent on my therapist, and thanks God he was so trustworthy.
Allowing myself to feel that dependency fully, creating a new imprint of healthy dependency, to then move into inter-dependency was one of the greatest gifts I ever got.
I became unafraid of my feelings and realized that there is beauty as much in our rage or sadness as it is in our joy and happiness. I guess I grew up, emotionally, and really became comfortable with discomfort.
The feeling is the healing, my Love
I know that you are so fully empowered that you too are fiercely courageous to face what lies deeply hidden in your heart and soul.
With an endless amount of love, patience, and compassion you will heal, one step at a time.
I will be here when you are ready.
All my Love,
Founder Of The Royal Path
- Download our free deep healing initiation meditation here
- Join Aleah’s signature feminine group mastermind Venus Unleashed.
- Find more information on our retreats and services on our website theroyalpath.com
- Join Aleah’s upcoming one-day women-only retreat in London, November 26, 2022 – The Awakening Of The Heart
- Looking for a special meditation channeled by Aleah just for you? They are truly magical!
- Dealing with heart-break? We got the right thing for you here
- Addicted to Love Podcast on iTunes
- More about disorganized attachment style
- Order the powerful book “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Aleah is a pure channel, teacher, and healer in service of the awakening and facilitation of deeper realms of personal and spiritual growth. She empowers women and couples on their path to emotional and sexual healing & liberation. She guides her clients through any challenge that keeps them from living life rooted in radiant healthy love & soulful pleasure, living life from a place of deep intuition, truth and soul.
After almost two decades partaking in various healing- and growth modalities, Aleah has developed an unparalleled degree of energetic perception. She is clairsentient, claircognizant,and equipped with a highly fine-tuned intuition, offering a unique trauma-informed and non-judgmental save space for you to explore, heal and transform in profound ways.
Aleah created the Addicted to Love Podcast where she sheds light on one of the most controversial topics: Love Addiction- and dependency helping thousands of people around the world to step out of fear, and into healthy love.
She is also the co-founder of The Royal Path and Olistica. Together with her partner in love and business, Ismaele Di Blasi, they offer transformational 1-1 counseling/ coaching, masterminds, retreats, meditations, and online programs for both the Italian and English-speaking market. They live in Umbria, the spiritual heart of Italy, with their 6-year old (step)son enjoying their humble family-life, Italian Gourmet Kitchen, love, art and romance.